If you have read my blog at all, then you already know that I had a miscarriage at the end of January. This was the 2nd time I had a miscarriage. The first time was in March of 2006. I was at a very different place in my life back then, and I have realized that I am handling this miscarriage differently. This time, it has been REALLY hard to handle. Hard to accept the reality, that the baby that was a surprise to us, was not meant to breathe the air in which we live. I was speaking to my husband about this very thing last night. The first time I had miscarried, I had not been to my first OB appt. I was only 7 weeks along, and my OB does not see his patients until they're at least 8 weeks, preferably 10 weeks along. So, I did not have an ultrasound to "see" the baby. This most recent time, I was 8 weeks when I went to my first OB appt. I saw the little, tiny heartbeat...putting a visual picture in my heart and mind of my precious baby. So, when I miscarried, the last picture I have in my mind, is the picture of my baby on that black and white screen, not moving, no heartbeating...just as still as a picture in a frame. I went from seeing the heartbeat, knowing that my baby was alive inside of me, to seeing my baby dead. The first time I did not have tangible evidence of a "baby", I never got to "see" with my own eyes that the baby was real...but this time, it's so much harder. I still cry often when I think about how I should look right now, what plans Ed and I should be making for this new addition, what the future looks like for our family of 5. I wonder if this baby was a baby girl...I've always wanted a little girl. I wonder if this baby would have bright red hair like I did, or would she have beautiful dark hair like her daddy. I have always dreamed about bows, and hairbands...of pigtails and braids.
SIDENOTE: (When I was growing up, I LOVED to fix my cousin Marisa's hair. I was 10 years old when she was born, and my grandma watched her while my aunt worked. Since my grandparents lived in front of us, it was often you would find me standing next to Marisa's cradle watching her sleep. I always LOVED helping Grandma when she watched Marisa. She was like a real live baby doll. I got to change her diaper, feed her, put her to sleep, and often, Marisa would be wearing 2 to 3 different outfits a day because I LOVED going to the closet and picking out clothes for her to wear. It was so much fun getting to act like "mommy" when I was around her. Maybe that's why Marisa is SO special to me. I have watched her grow up...I have been there for the good times and bad times. Marisa, I hope you know how much I love you, and I am SO proud of you!!)
Since the most recent miscarriage, God has given me a passage in Psalms to cling to..this passage has helped me in some of my lowest moments.
Psalms 139: 13-16
13)For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14)I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
15)My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16) Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
God knew that when he gave me this baby to carry, after the precious heart started beating...that the baby would be in his arms before I ever got the chance to hold my child. This has given me so much comfort during my darkest moments.
I will forever love the children that God has chosen to receive in heaven before me. When people ask how many children I have, I say 2 on earth, and 2 in Heaven. I am so thankful, and blessed for the 2 precious boys I have here on earth. They bring me SUCH joy that is unspeakable. I am truly blessed to be a mother!