To My Angel Baby

It's February 5th, and you're in Heaven now. I will never forget January 21, 2009 when I got to see your tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. You were SO tiny- almost too tiny for 7 weeks. You only measured 5 weeks, but your heart was beating strong at 112 BPM. The U/S tech said that was good for being so small. She printed a picture of you and sent me on my way with words of assurance that my cycle must be off. Your due date was changed from 9/7/09 to 9/17/09 - 10 days later, but that was ok, because that's your cousin Emily's birthday.

I came home and showed Daddy your picture. He couldn't believe how tiny you were either. But I told him I saw your tiny little heart beating so I felt re-assured. I had all the normal pregnancy symptons, but the morning sickness was the worse. A couple of days later, I started spotting. I immediately pulled out the pregnancy books, and got on the baby forums to see if this was normal. Everywhere I looked, said that spotting in the first trimester was normal as long as it wasn't accompanied by cramping. I wasn't cramping so I assured myself I was ok. I didn't share this info with anyone. It was if I didn't speak it, then it would go away.

One night I sat on Daddy's lap in tears because I felt like something could be wrong with you since you were so small...like maybe my 1st due date was correct and you just weren't growing. But then we talked some more and we held on to the fact that I saw your tiny little heartbeat.

A couple of days later (Thursday), I came home from work and noticed that my spotting had been increasing. It had been about a week since I started spotting and I thought it would just go away. I decided to tell Daddy, because it seemed time to fill him in on what was going on. He got a little concerned, but I told him that I had read that spotting is normal during the first trimester and I wasn't cramping. So, we both went out to different events for the night. After I got your big brothers into bed, I started getting nervous about the increase. In my gut, I felt like something was wrong. I called the midwife on call, and she said if I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, I could go into the ER that night and they would do an u/s to check on you or just wait until Friday and come into the office. I called your daddy and told him I felt we needed to go to the ER.

The whole way to the hospital, I kept telling myself, "This is normal. I'm not even cramping." I was not expecting to hear the words the ER doc told us several hours later.

We had an u/s to check on you, but the policy at the ER was that me and Daddy couldn't watch. They only want the Dr to inform us of the results. I can't tell you how bad it killed me that I couldn't see you. The u/s tech said nothing...I kept watching her face for a smile, a pleasant reaction, but there was none...just a stonecold face that looked grim. We went back to our ER bed area and waited, and waited and waited for the Dr to give us the results. The waiting was the worse part of the whole experience. Your daddy looked at me with such love on his face and said, "Whatever the outcome, we will praise God." I agreed, but still secretly expected to hear good news.

After what seemed like 2 hours, the Dr finally approached us and said these words, "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat." I was in denial. I didn't want to believe him...I wanted to see for myself...I wanted to see if that tiny heart that I saw beating just 1 week earlier wasn't beating anymore. As your daddy and I left the hospital, we were devastated. We had to go back to my OB dr on Friday to confirm the results of the ER u/s. And inside, until I saw for myself, I kept holding on to the fact that they were wrong...you were ok. We cried and prayed all the way home that you would be ok.

On Friday, we had an appointment at 12:45 to have an u/s. Up until I laid down on that table for the u/s, a part of me still believed you would be ok. But when the tech started the u/s, I looked over and I saw you. You were bigger than you were a week ago, but you were not moving. Your little heart was still. She had me hold my breath to make sure it wasn't your heart that she heard, but I knew as soon as I saw you...you were gone.....

Oh, little one...I so wanted to bring you into this world. Even as small as you were, as unexpected as you were...you were SO loved by your mommy and daddy. Your big brother Timmy prayed for you every night that God would grow you big and strong. But God had other plans for you angel baby. We don't understand why God chose to take you from this world...and baby, the emptiness I feel for you is still so real and it hurts so much. But as you already know...our God is our Strength. He is carrying us through this heartache. I love the footprints poem because that is what God is doing for us. There aren't 2 sets of footprints in the sand, there is only one now because God is carrying us.

I love you angel baby. You will never be forgotten! I long for the day when I get to see your sweet face in Heaven.

Your Mommy