Friday, February 13, 2009

Emptiness Inside

Thursday was a hard day for me. It's hard to explain, but I am going to try. Since the miscarriage, I have really felt God in a mighty way in my life. I have felt HIS presence. I have felt HIS strength. I have been amazed at how GOOD GOD is in my life. But yesterday...I felt empty inside. Not an empty like somehow I needed to be "filled up", but an emptiness inside of longing to hold my baby. My arms felt empty. Even though I was only 8 weeks pregnant, I was never able to hold my baby, there was still an emptiness that I felt. At one point, I texted Ed and asked him to give Silas a hug and kiss from his Mommy and to tell Silas that I loved him very much. Silas and Timmy have been so good for me during this time. I love that God has already given me two babies to hold here on Earth. They are truly GIFTS from God that HE blessed me with.

As Thursday progressed, I felt myself feeling more and more sad about the m/c. I haven't shared with my co-workers at my office about the m/c, so I have to try extra hard to be strong at work. So, I internalize things really well. But then, I have to get it out. So, last night when I was going to bed, I just started talking to God and asking him to remove the emptiness I feel inside and replace it with a feeling of being held by Him. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW HE has been holding me...actually carrying me through this, but I needed HIM to take away the emptiness so that my arms would not feel empty. I woke up this morning with a cute little 5 year old staring me in the face wanting to decorate the cupcakes we baked last night. It was 5:45am, and he was bright eyed and bushy tailed. So, I got up, and got the icing and the red sprinkles set up for us to decorate. It was EXACTLY what I needed...even though I wasn't sitting there holding Timmy in my arms, I could feel the emptiness in my heart fill up to overflowing...just by being with Timmy and sharing in this special time with him.

Saturday, the boys are going to go to Nana and Papa's house for a week visit. This will be the 1st time that we have been able to do this EVER. Now that we are only 5 1/2 hours away from my parents, we can actually meet halfway and make this happen. Timmy is REALLY excited about it, and Silas has no clue. I am looking foward to this time because Ed and I really need to this time as a couple to reconnect. If you have never gone through a m/c, then you won't know how important it is for you and your husband to remain strong TOGETHER through this trial. Ed and I haven't been childless for more than a weekend since before Timmy was born. We are DEFINITELY looking forward to this time together.

In closing, I want to say THANK YOU to EVERYONE who has prayed for me, Ed and the boys during this season in our life. The move to Atlanta, Ed's job situation, our finance situation, and now the miscarriage. WE know that without God we would not be where we are right now. God has shown HIMSELF to us in ways we can't even describe sometimes. Sometimes we just look at each other and all we can say is Wow...that was a God moment! We pray blessings upon blessings on each and EVERY ONE of you who have uttered a prayer for us. May God RICHLY blessing you beyond all you can imagine for the way YOU have blessed us.