"D" - The Letter Game

One of my Head RAs from UMHB, BD, was tagged by one of her friends with the Letter Game. I have been looking for things to brighten up my blog, so I told her I would love to play. She gave me the letter, "D".

If you want to play, leave a comment on this post letting me know, and I'll assign you a letter. You post 10 things you love that begin with your assigned letter. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on.

1. Daddy (My daddy is my HERO! He and my mom have done more for me since I moved to GA than any other time in my life. I pray blessings on their life for how they have blessed me)

2. Dark Chocolate (I am now addicted to this lovely chocolate bar)

Courtesy of Hersheys
3. Donna Plank (She is my FAVORITE boss that I have EVER had! I will NEVER forget her! My journey at UMHB would have never been the same without her.)

Courtesy of Facebook
4. Dunkin Donuts (Enough said)

Courtesy of Dunkin Donuts
5. Dr. Pepper (My favorite drink ever)

Courtesy of Dr. Pepper
6. Diamonds are a girls best friend!

Courtesy of Yahoo
7. Drills (Fire - I thought I was finished with Fire Drills once I left UMHB...but this morning at Life University...my entire office building had to evacuate this morning in the 30 degree weather for a fire drill. Oh, memories of UMHB)

Courtesy of Yahoo
8. Dishes (I love my dishes. These were the dishes we got when we were married almost 8 years ago. It's so easy to match the colors with any kitchen)

Courtesy of Pflatzgraff
9. Dinner (My DH cooks me dinner almost EVERY night! I absolutely LOVE being pampered this way!)

Courtesy of Yahoo
10. Dirty Knees (This represents a precious baby I have been praying for)

So...who's next...just let me know.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

In a rush to get the house cleaned before company came over, I did NOT feed my 1 year old cheetos cheese balls and pudding for supper. I always feed him a balanced meal for supper.

When shopping in Target with my little ones, I did NOT spill a large cup of popcorn on the floor and walk away. I always tell the lovely Target employees about messes my LO make. I then felt guilty, so when my 1 yr old spilled his chocolate milk on the floor in Target, I DID inform a Target employee to clean up spill on aisle 4.

I have NOT had a lot going in my life this past week, and I did NOT forget to give my 2 boys a bath. I always remember the last time they had baths.

My husband and I are NOT having the most amazing time without our LO. They are most certainly NOT spending a week with Nana and Papa in NC. We are most certainly NOT having the time of our lives feeling like Newlyweds again. (Note: WE absolutely LOVE and ADORE our children, but after our m/c, we needed this time as a couple to reconnect. Thanks Mom and Dad!)

After leaving the Mall of Georgia on Saturday night, I most certainly did NOT pull over in a Rest Area and ask DH who was following behind me if I was going the right direction on Interstate 85. I always know the direction of my home.



This was my FIRST Not Me Monday post...it was a lot of fun....I hope to continue to do this every Monday. It's very therapeutic.

Emptiness Inside

Thursday was a hard day for me. It's hard to explain, but I am going to try. Since the miscarriage, I have really felt God in a mighty way in my life. I have felt HIS presence. I have felt HIS strength. I have been amazed at how GOOD GOD is in my life. But yesterday...I felt empty inside. Not an empty like somehow I needed to be "filled up", but an emptiness inside of longing to hold my baby. My arms felt empty. Even though I was only 8 weeks pregnant, I was never able to hold my baby, there was still an emptiness that I felt. At one point, I texted Ed and asked him to give Silas a hug and kiss from his Mommy and to tell Silas that I loved him very much. Silas and Timmy have been so good for me during this time. I love that God has already given me two babies to hold here on Earth. They are truly GIFTS from God that HE blessed me with.

As Thursday progressed, I felt myself feeling more and more sad about the m/c. I haven't shared with my co-workers at my office about the m/c, so I have to try extra hard to be strong at work. So, I internalize things really well. But then, I have to get it out. So, last night when I was going to bed, I just started talking to God and asking him to remove the emptiness I feel inside and replace it with a feeling of being held by Him. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW HE has been holding me...actually carrying me through this, but I needed HIM to take away the emptiness so that my arms would not feel empty. I woke up this morning with a cute little 5 year old staring me in the face wanting to decorate the cupcakes we baked last night. It was 5:45am, and he was bright eyed and bushy tailed. So, I got up, and got the icing and the red sprinkles set up for us to decorate. It was EXACTLY what I needed...even though I wasn't sitting there holding Timmy in my arms, I could feel the emptiness in my heart fill up to overflowing...just by being with Timmy and sharing in this special time with him.

Saturday, the boys are going to go to Nana and Papa's house for a week visit. This will be the 1st time that we have been able to do this EVER. Now that we are only 5 1/2 hours away from my parents, we can actually meet halfway and make this happen. Timmy is REALLY excited about it, and Silas has no clue. I am looking foward to this time because Ed and I really need to this time as a couple to reconnect. If you have never gone through a m/c, then you won't know how important it is for you and your husband to remain strong TOGETHER through this trial. Ed and I haven't been childless for more than a weekend since before Timmy was born. We are DEFINITELY looking forward to this time together.

In closing, I want to say THANK YOU to EVERYONE who has prayed for me, Ed and the boys during this season in our life. The move to Atlanta, Ed's job situation, our finance situation, and now the miscarriage. WE know that without God we would not be where we are right now. God has shown HIMSELF to us in ways we can't even describe sometimes. Sometimes we just look at each other and all we can say is Wow...that was a God moment! We pray blessings upon blessings on each and EVERY ONE of you who have uttered a prayer for us. May God RICHLY blessing you beyond all you can imagine for the way YOU have blessed us.

To My Angel Baby

It's February 5th, and you're in Heaven now. I will never forget January 21, 2009 when I got to see your tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. You were SO tiny- almost too tiny for 7 weeks. You only measured 5 weeks, but your heart was beating strong at 112 BPM. The U/S tech said that was good for being so small. She printed a picture of you and sent me on my way with words of assurance that my cycle must be off. Your due date was changed from 9/7/09 to 9/17/09 - 10 days later, but that was ok, because that's your cousin Emily's birthday.

I came home and showed Daddy your picture. He couldn't believe how tiny you were either. But I told him I saw your tiny little heart beating so I felt re-assured. I had all the normal pregnancy symptons, but the morning sickness was the worse. A couple of days later, I started spotting. I immediately pulled out the pregnancy books, and got on the baby forums to see if this was normal. Everywhere I looked, said that spotting in the first trimester was normal as long as it wasn't accompanied by cramping. I wasn't cramping so I assured myself I was ok. I didn't share this info with anyone. It was if I didn't speak it, then it would go away.

One night I sat on Daddy's lap in tears because I felt like something could be wrong with you since you were so small...like maybe my 1st due date was correct and you just weren't growing. But then we talked some more and we held on to the fact that I saw your tiny little heartbeat.

A couple of days later (Thursday), I came home from work and noticed that my spotting had been increasing. It had been about a week since I started spotting and I thought it would just go away. I decided to tell Daddy, because it seemed time to fill him in on what was going on. He got a little concerned, but I told him that I had read that spotting is normal during the first trimester and I wasn't cramping. So, we both went out to different events for the night. After I got your big brothers into bed, I started getting nervous about the increase. In my gut, I felt like something was wrong. I called the midwife on call, and she said if I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, I could go into the ER that night and they would do an u/s to check on you or just wait until Friday and come into the office. I called your daddy and told him I felt we needed to go to the ER.

The whole way to the hospital, I kept telling myself, "This is normal. I'm not even cramping." I was not expecting to hear the words the ER doc told us several hours later.

We had an u/s to check on you, but the policy at the ER was that me and Daddy couldn't watch. They only want the Dr to inform us of the results. I can't tell you how bad it killed me that I couldn't see you. The u/s tech said nothing...I kept watching her face for a smile, a pleasant reaction, but there was none...just a stonecold face that looked grim. We went back to our ER bed area and waited, and waited and waited for the Dr to give us the results. The waiting was the worse part of the whole experience. Your daddy looked at me with such love on his face and said, "Whatever the outcome, we will praise God." I agreed, but still secretly expected to hear good news.

After what seemed like 2 hours, the Dr finally approached us and said these words, "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat." I was in denial. I didn't want to believe him...I wanted to see for myself...I wanted to see if that tiny heart that I saw beating just 1 week earlier wasn't beating anymore. As your daddy and I left the hospital, we were devastated. We had to go back to my OB dr on Friday to confirm the results of the ER u/s. And inside, until I saw for myself, I kept holding on to the fact that they were wrong...you were ok. We cried and prayed all the way home that you would be ok.

On Friday, we had an appointment at 12:45 to have an u/s. Up until I laid down on that table for the u/s, a part of me still believed you would be ok. But when the tech started the u/s, I looked over and I saw you. You were bigger than you were a week ago, but you were not moving. Your little heart was still. She had me hold my breath to make sure it wasn't your heart that she heard, but I knew as soon as I saw you...you were gone.....

Oh, little one...I so wanted to bring you into this world. Even as small as you were, as unexpected as you were...you were SO loved by your mommy and daddy. Your big brother Timmy prayed for you every night that God would grow you big and strong. But God had other plans for you angel baby. We don't understand why God chose to take you from this world...and baby, the emptiness I feel for you is still so real and it hurts so much. But as you already know...our God is our Strength. He is carrying us through this heartache. I love the footprints poem because that is what God is doing for us. There aren't 2 sets of footprints in the sand, there is only one now because God is carrying us.

I love you angel baby. You will never be forgotten! I long for the day when I get to see your sweet face in Heaven.

Your Mommy