Thursday was a hard day for me. It's hard to explain, but I am going to try. Since the miscarriage, I have really felt God in a mighty way in my life. I have felt HIS presence. I have felt HIS strength. I have been amazed at how GOOD GOD is in my life. But yesterday...I felt empty inside. Not an empty like somehow I needed to be "filled up", but an emptiness inside of longing to hold my baby. My arms felt empty. Even though I was only 8 weeks pregnant, I was never able to hold my baby, there was still an emptiness that I felt. At one point, I texted Ed and asked him to give Silas a hug and kiss from his Mommy and to tell Silas that I loved him very much. Silas and Timmy have been so good for me during this time. I love that God has already given me two babies to hold here on Earth. They are truly GIFTS from God that HE blessed me with.
As Thursday progressed, I felt myself feeling more and more sad about the m/c. I haven't shared with my co-workers at my office about the m/c, so I have to try extra hard to be strong at work. So, I internalize things really well. But then, I have to get it out. So, last night when I was going to bed, I just started talking to God and asking him to remove the emptiness I feel inside and replace it with a feeling of being held by Him. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW HE has been holding me...actually carrying me through this, but I needed HIM to take away the emptiness so that my arms would not feel empty. I woke up this morning with a cute little 5 year old staring me in the face wanting to decorate the cupcakes we baked last night. It was 5:45am, and he was bright eyed and bushy tailed. So, I got up, and got the icing and the red sprinkles set up for us to decorate. It was EXACTLY what I needed...even though I wasn't sitting there holding Timmy in my arms, I could feel the emptiness in my heart fill up to overflowing...just by being with Timmy and sharing in this special time with him.
Saturday, the boys are going to go to Nana and Papa's house for a week visit. This will be the 1st time that we have been able to do this EVER. Now that we are only 5 1/2 hours away from my parents, we can actually meet halfway and make this happen. Timmy is REALLY excited about it, and Silas has no clue. I am looking foward to this time because Ed and I really need to this time as a couple to reconnect. If you have never gone through a m/c, then you won't know how important it is for you and your husband to remain strong TOGETHER through this trial. Ed and I haven't been childless for more than a weekend since before Timmy was born. We are DEFINITELY looking forward to this time together.
In closing, I want to say THANK YOU to EVERYONE who has prayed for me, Ed and the boys during this season in our life. The move to Atlanta, Ed's job situation, our finance situation, and now the miscarriage. WE know that without God we would not be where we are right now. God has shown HIMSELF to us in ways we can't even describe sometimes. Sometimes we just look at each other and all we can say is Wow...that was a God moment! We pray blessings upon blessings on each and EVERY ONE of you who have uttered a prayer for us. May God RICHLY blessing you beyond all you can imagine for the way YOU have blessed us.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
To My Angel Baby
It's February 5th, and you're in Heaven now. I will never forget January 21, 2009 when I got to see your tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. You were SO tiny- almost too tiny for 7 weeks. You only measured 5 weeks, but your heart was beating strong at 112 BPM. The U/S tech said that was good for being so small. She printed a picture of you and sent me on my way with words of assurance that my cycle must be off. Your due date was changed from 9/7/09 to 9/17/09 - 10 days later, but that was ok, because that's your cousin Emily's birthday.
I came home and showed Daddy your picture. He couldn't believe how tiny you were either. But I told him I saw your tiny little heart beating so I felt re-assured. I had all the normal pregnancy symptons, but the morning sickness was the worse. A couple of days later, I started spotting. I immediately pulled out the pregnancy books, and got on the baby forums to see if this was normal. Everywhere I looked, said that spotting in the first trimester was normal as long as it wasn't accompanied by cramping. I wasn't cramping so I assured myself I was ok. I didn't share this info with anyone. It was if I didn't speak it, then it would go away.
One night I sat on Daddy's lap in tears because I felt like something could be wrong with you since you were so small...like maybe my 1st due date was correct and you just weren't growing. But then we talked some more and we held on to the fact that I saw your tiny little heartbeat.
A couple of days later (Thursday), I came home from work and noticed that my spotting had been increasing. It had been about a week since I started spotting and I thought it would just go away. I decided to tell Daddy, because it seemed time to fill him in on what was going on. He got a little concerned, but I told him that I had read that spotting is normal during the first trimester and I wasn't cramping. So, we both went out to different events for the night. After I got your big brothers into bed, I started getting nervous about the increase. In my gut, I felt like something was wrong. I called the midwife on call, and she said if I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, I could go into the ER that night and they would do an u/s to check on you or just wait until Friday and come into the office. I called your daddy and told him I felt we needed to go to the ER.
The whole way to the hospital, I kept telling myself, "This is normal. I'm not even cramping." I was not expecting to hear the words the ER doc told us several hours later.
We had an u/s to check on you, but the policy at the ER was that me and Daddy couldn't watch. They only want the Dr to inform us of the results. I can't tell you how bad it killed me that I couldn't see you. The u/s tech said nothing...I kept watching her face for a smile, a pleasant reaction, but there was none...just a stonecold face that looked grim. We went back to our ER bed area and waited, and waited and waited for the Dr to give us the results. The waiting was the worse part of the whole experience. Your daddy looked at me with such love on his face and said, "Whatever the outcome, we will praise God." I agreed, but still secretly expected to hear good news.
After what seemed like 2 hours, the Dr finally approached us and said these words, "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat." I was in denial. I didn't want to believe him...I wanted to see for myself...I wanted to see if that tiny heart that I saw beating just 1 week earlier wasn't beating anymore. As your daddy and I left the hospital, we were devastated. We had to go back to my OB dr on Friday to confirm the results of the ER u/s. And inside, until I saw for myself, I kept holding on to the fact that they were wrong...you were ok. We cried and prayed all the way home that you would be ok.
On Friday, we had an appointment at 12:45 to have an u/s. Up until I laid down on that table for the u/s, a part of me still believed you would be ok. But when the tech started the u/s, I looked over and I saw you. You were bigger than you were a week ago, but you were not moving. Your little heart was still. She had me hold my breath to make sure it wasn't your heart that she heard, but I knew as soon as I saw you...you were gone.....
Oh, little one...I so wanted to bring you into this world. Even as small as you were, as unexpected as you were...you were SO loved by your mommy and daddy. Your big brother Timmy prayed for you every night that God would grow you big and strong. But God had other plans for you angel baby. We don't understand why God chose to take you from this world...and baby, the emptiness I feel for you is still so real and it hurts so much. But as you already know...our God is our Strength. He is carrying us through this heartache. I love the footprints poem because that is what God is doing for us. There aren't 2 sets of footprints in the sand, there is only one now because God is carrying us.
I love you angel baby. You will never be forgotten! I long for the day when I get to see your sweet face in Heaven.
Your Mommy
I came home and showed Daddy your picture. He couldn't believe how tiny you were either. But I told him I saw your tiny little heart beating so I felt re-assured. I had all the normal pregnancy symptons, but the morning sickness was the worse. A couple of days later, I started spotting. I immediately pulled out the pregnancy books, and got on the baby forums to see if this was normal. Everywhere I looked, said that spotting in the first trimester was normal as long as it wasn't accompanied by cramping. I wasn't cramping so I assured myself I was ok. I didn't share this info with anyone. It was if I didn't speak it, then it would go away.
One night I sat on Daddy's lap in tears because I felt like something could be wrong with you since you were so small...like maybe my 1st due date was correct and you just weren't growing. But then we talked some more and we held on to the fact that I saw your tiny little heartbeat.
A couple of days later (Thursday), I came home from work and noticed that my spotting had been increasing. It had been about a week since I started spotting and I thought it would just go away. I decided to tell Daddy, because it seemed time to fill him in on what was going on. He got a little concerned, but I told him that I had read that spotting is normal during the first trimester and I wasn't cramping. So, we both went out to different events for the night. After I got your big brothers into bed, I started getting nervous about the increase. In my gut, I felt like something was wrong. I called the midwife on call, and she said if I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, I could go into the ER that night and they would do an u/s to check on you or just wait until Friday and come into the office. I called your daddy and told him I felt we needed to go to the ER.
The whole way to the hospital, I kept telling myself, "This is normal. I'm not even cramping." I was not expecting to hear the words the ER doc told us several hours later.
We had an u/s to check on you, but the policy at the ER was that me and Daddy couldn't watch. They only want the Dr to inform us of the results. I can't tell you how bad it killed me that I couldn't see you. The u/s tech said nothing...I kept watching her face for a smile, a pleasant reaction, but there was none...just a stonecold face that looked grim. We went back to our ER bed area and waited, and waited and waited for the Dr to give us the results. The waiting was the worse part of the whole experience. Your daddy looked at me with such love on his face and said, "Whatever the outcome, we will praise God." I agreed, but still secretly expected to hear good news.
After what seemed like 2 hours, the Dr finally approached us and said these words, "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat." I was in denial. I didn't want to believe him...I wanted to see for myself...I wanted to see if that tiny heart that I saw beating just 1 week earlier wasn't beating anymore. As your daddy and I left the hospital, we were devastated. We had to go back to my OB dr on Friday to confirm the results of the ER u/s. And inside, until I saw for myself, I kept holding on to the fact that they were wrong...you were ok. We cried and prayed all the way home that you would be ok.
On Friday, we had an appointment at 12:45 to have an u/s. Up until I laid down on that table for the u/s, a part of me still believed you would be ok. But when the tech started the u/s, I looked over and I saw you. You were bigger than you were a week ago, but you were not moving. Your little heart was still. She had me hold my breath to make sure it wasn't your heart that she heard, but I knew as soon as I saw you...you were gone.....
Oh, little one...I so wanted to bring you into this world. Even as small as you were, as unexpected as you were...you were SO loved by your mommy and daddy. Your big brother Timmy prayed for you every night that God would grow you big and strong. But God had other plans for you angel baby. We don't understand why God chose to take you from this world...and baby, the emptiness I feel for you is still so real and it hurts so much. But as you already know...our God is our Strength. He is carrying us through this heartache. I love the footprints poem because that is what God is doing for us. There aren't 2 sets of footprints in the sand, there is only one now because God is carrying us.
I love you angel baby. You will never be forgotten! I long for the day when I get to see your sweet face in Heaven.
Your Mommy
Friday, January 23, 2009
God is Good!
I just had to come back and report today about the "Goodness of God"! Ed and I have been visiting different churches every week to find the church where we feel God wants us to be. After several weeks of searching, we have finally found a church we are going to visit for the 2nd time. We had already decided this when we left on last Sunday morning because we just "felt" the presence of the Holy Spirit in the midst and the preaching reminded us of our pastor "back home" - Pastor Mark. This pastor really preached/taught us from the word. At the end of the service, he came back and gave us some extremely profound words concerning the inauguration on Tuesday. This sealed the deal so to speak. Anyway, I say all of this to give you background on what happened yesterday. When Ed checked the mail, inside was a small thank you card from this church, Cedarcrest, and inside was a gas card for $5.00. The note said something like this, "Thank you for attending Cedarcrest. We hope that this $5.00 gas card will help you in returning to visit with us again." Not word for word, but something to that affect. Anyway...yesterday, we were on 1/4 of a tank of gas with $0 dollars to our name. When Ed showed me that card and the gas card, I started praising the Lord! I know it was only $5.00, but HALLELUJAH - GOD IS GOOD! Then, Ed told me that Cheryl (ISF Pres.) had given him a bag of change that was donated to ISF by some sweet ladies. She didn't know how much was in there, but it looked like quite a bit of change, and there were a couple of dollar bills in there also. Well, when Ed opened up the bag to take it into Kroger to get it "changed" there were larger bills underneath the 1s that equaled about $20...THEN, the actual change was about $30!!!!!!!!!! We went from having $0 to $5.00 gas card to $50 dollars total!!!!
Isn't God so GOOD! Just wanted to share how God is providing for our family!
HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!
Isn't God so GOOD! Just wanted to share how God is providing for our family!
HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
4 months? Feels like it's been a YEAR!
My life has been a whirlwind since we moved to Georgia in September. There have been MAJOR highs and EXTREME lows...but through it all GOD has been in control. My most recent HIGH has been at an EXTREME low in our life. The HIGH news hasn't really HIT me yet if you know what I mean.
THE HIGH:
On January 9th, Ed and I found out that we are expecting Baby #3! We were definitely shocked, suprised, scared...all the things that come with finding out this news. We actually discovered on New Years that I was late, but didn't take a test until the 9th....we kept walking around like...if we don't SEE the positive test, then maybe it isn't so. Finally...I couldn't handle the not knowing...I was tired of having discussions about "if Im pregnant" then we will have to do this or that. So, I broke down and took a test. I was a little apprehensive to call family and friends because I knew that my family knew about our EXTREME low...I was afraid they wouldn't understand. I will say this however, Ed and I were not "planning" on this baby...meaning...I wasn't sitting at home each month counting down the days to ovulation. In September of 2007, Ed and I felt the Lord asking us to trust HIM fully and completely with our lives and this specifically included Birth Control. We felt the Lord was saying, "Trust me...I won't give you anything you can't handle. If you let me be in control, I will take care of you". So, I haven't been on any form of Birth Control since 09/07...so needless to say, it could have happenend at any time in these past months. But having it happen now, when we are experiencing an EXTREME low in our life is ONLY GOD!
LOW:
Let me give you a little background before I get into the "LOW". In Summer of 2007, Ed started feeling that God may be leading him to work for a non-profit organization called ISF (International Sports Federation). He had already spent 2 weeks in China with them in 2005, so he knew what they were about. ISF was based in the Atlanta area, and being that we lived in Texas, we didn't see how this could happen without a move. So, we started covering this in prayer. Time goes by...we give our lives to the complete trust of God in September, Ed goes to Kenya over Christmas with ISF to give Christmas to an orphanage, gets attacked in the political unrest after the elections, escapes Kenya with the rest of ISF team, comes back a different man (in an amazingly awesome way), while he was in Kenya, I felt the Lord calling us BOTH to ISF, in March of 08 we came to Atlanta to visit my BFF from college and met with executives of ISF and told them about the passion we felt in our hearts for this organization. They told us, we have a HUGE need for helpers, but unfortunately we can't offer you a salary at this time. We go back to Texas after spring break and really start covering this in prayer like never before. In May of 2008, we are both sitting on 2 separate couches praying during our "wall" time and we both have such a strong peace about God saying, "Go...Now" It was a scary decision from a "human" standpoint because we both had NO jobs and NO idea where we were going to live..just had to trust. Fast foward to September 1st...we head out to GA with our van and PENSKE truck packed full of our possessions (what was left that didn't sell) and start on this adventure of trusting God with our life.
So...now to the LOW...as you can read from my past posts...we have had many trials since we have arrived in GA as well as many amazing GOD moments. In December, after Timmy finished his 1st semester of Kindergarten, we moved to Acworth (we were living with my BFF in Newnan which is about 1hr from ISF) so Ed could be closer to the office. After living with my BFF for 4 months, it was SOOO nice to have a place to call our own. It was like Christmas unpacking those boxes! :) I have a job as an Admin Assistant at a local university in Marietta (about 15 miles from my house), but with my income...it isn't enough for us to live on. We barely make ends meet after rent, bills, car payment, car insurance, food and gas since we moved to Acworth. Ed really needs a paying job so that we can make it through the weeks where my paycheck goes to rent and there is no money for food/gas. He has applied at so many places...just like everyone else...and has found nothing. His HEART wants to be able to give the time to ISF and not another company because GOD moved us here for ISF...not so Ed could work for Quick Trip gas station.
So, now here we sit...Ed not having a paying job, my income barely covers expenses, and we have a 3rd baby on the way! Some people may throw up their hands and say, "I QUIT"...but not us...you know why.... way back in September of 2007 we GAVE OUR LIFE COMPLETELY TO GOD. We are trusting HIM with our life. We don't know how we are going to buy food and gas for the next 2 weeks, but we have the most indescribable PEACE that everything is going to be ok. We have exhausted all of our resources in family for financial help...we sent out support letters...got no response from anyone...which lead us to believe...we are just supposed to sit here and TRUST and WAIT ON THE LORD. Ed is putting time in at ISF while we "wait" on the Lord. I can NOT begin to tell you how much JOY is in Ed's life right now. He has his very own office space and he has his very own email address, he has "assignments" he has to work on, he is DOING what God CALLED him to do. I LOVE that!!!!
So, if you feel inclined to send a few prayers up for our family. We would be eternally grateful! I can't wait to report back on what God has done in our life!
May God bless all of my faithful followers!
THE HIGH:
On January 9th, Ed and I found out that we are expecting Baby #3! We were definitely shocked, suprised, scared...all the things that come with finding out this news. We actually discovered on New Years that I was late, but didn't take a test until the 9th....we kept walking around like...if we don't SEE the positive test, then maybe it isn't so. Finally...I couldn't handle the not knowing...I was tired of having discussions about "if Im pregnant" then we will have to do this or that. So, I broke down and took a test. I was a little apprehensive to call family and friends because I knew that my family knew about our EXTREME low...I was afraid they wouldn't understand. I will say this however, Ed and I were not "planning" on this baby...meaning...I wasn't sitting at home each month counting down the days to ovulation. In September of 2007, Ed and I felt the Lord asking us to trust HIM fully and completely with our lives and this specifically included Birth Control. We felt the Lord was saying, "Trust me...I won't give you anything you can't handle. If you let me be in control, I will take care of you". So, I haven't been on any form of Birth Control since 09/07...so needless to say, it could have happenend at any time in these past months. But having it happen now, when we are experiencing an EXTREME low in our life is ONLY GOD!
LOW:
Let me give you a little background before I get into the "LOW". In Summer of 2007, Ed started feeling that God may be leading him to work for a non-profit organization called ISF (International Sports Federation). He had already spent 2 weeks in China with them in 2005, so he knew what they were about. ISF was based in the Atlanta area, and being that we lived in Texas, we didn't see how this could happen without a move. So, we started covering this in prayer. Time goes by...we give our lives to the complete trust of God in September, Ed goes to Kenya over Christmas with ISF to give Christmas to an orphanage, gets attacked in the political unrest after the elections, escapes Kenya with the rest of ISF team, comes back a different man (in an amazingly awesome way), while he was in Kenya, I felt the Lord calling us BOTH to ISF, in March of 08 we came to Atlanta to visit my BFF from college and met with executives of ISF and told them about the passion we felt in our hearts for this organization. They told us, we have a HUGE need for helpers, but unfortunately we can't offer you a salary at this time. We go back to Texas after spring break and really start covering this in prayer like never before. In May of 2008, we are both sitting on 2 separate couches praying during our "wall" time and we both have such a strong peace about God saying, "Go...Now" It was a scary decision from a "human" standpoint because we both had NO jobs and NO idea where we were going to live..just had to trust. Fast foward to September 1st...we head out to GA with our van and PENSKE truck packed full of our possessions (what was left that didn't sell) and start on this adventure of trusting God with our life.
So...now to the LOW...as you can read from my past posts...we have had many trials since we have arrived in GA as well as many amazing GOD moments. In December, after Timmy finished his 1st semester of Kindergarten, we moved to Acworth (we were living with my BFF in Newnan which is about 1hr from ISF) so Ed could be closer to the office. After living with my BFF for 4 months, it was SOOO nice to have a place to call our own. It was like Christmas unpacking those boxes! :) I have a job as an Admin Assistant at a local university in Marietta (about 15 miles from my house), but with my income...it isn't enough for us to live on. We barely make ends meet after rent, bills, car payment, car insurance, food and gas since we moved to Acworth. Ed really needs a paying job so that we can make it through the weeks where my paycheck goes to rent and there is no money for food/gas. He has applied at so many places...just like everyone else...and has found nothing. His HEART wants to be able to give the time to ISF and not another company because GOD moved us here for ISF...not so Ed could work for Quick Trip gas station.
So, now here we sit...Ed not having a paying job, my income barely covers expenses, and we have a 3rd baby on the way! Some people may throw up their hands and say, "I QUIT"...but not us...you know why.... way back in September of 2007 we GAVE OUR LIFE COMPLETELY TO GOD. We are trusting HIM with our life. We don't know how we are going to buy food and gas for the next 2 weeks, but we have the most indescribable PEACE that everything is going to be ok. We have exhausted all of our resources in family for financial help...we sent out support letters...got no response from anyone...which lead us to believe...we are just supposed to sit here and TRUST and WAIT ON THE LORD. Ed is putting time in at ISF while we "wait" on the Lord. I can NOT begin to tell you how much JOY is in Ed's life right now. He has his very own office space and he has his very own email address, he has "assignments" he has to work on, he is DOING what God CALLED him to do. I LOVE that!!!!
So, if you feel inclined to send a few prayers up for our family. We would be eternally grateful! I can't wait to report back on what God has done in our life!
May God bless all of my faithful followers!
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