It's February 5th, and you're in Heaven now. I will never forget January 21, 2009 when I got to see your tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. You were SO tiny- almost too tiny for 7 weeks. You only measured 5 weeks, but your heart was beating strong at 112 BPM. The U/S tech said that was good for being so small. She printed a picture of you and sent me on my way with words of assurance that my cycle must be off. Your due date was changed from 9/7/09 to 9/17/09 - 10 days later, but that was ok, because that's your cousin Emily's birthday.
I came home and showed Daddy your picture. He couldn't believe how tiny you were either. But I told him I saw your tiny little heart beating so I felt re-assured. I had all the normal pregnancy symptons, but the morning sickness was the worse. A couple of days later, I started spotting. I immediately pulled out the pregnancy books, and got on the baby forums to see if this was normal. Everywhere I looked, said that spotting in the first trimester was normal as long as it wasn't accompanied by cramping. I wasn't cramping so I assured myself I was ok. I didn't share this info with anyone. It was if I didn't speak it, then it would go away.
One night I sat on Daddy's lap in tears because I felt like something could be wrong with you since you were so small...like maybe my 1st due date was correct and you just weren't growing. But then we talked some more and we held on to the fact that I saw your tiny little heartbeat.
A couple of days later (Thursday), I came home from work and noticed that my spotting had been increasing. It had been about a week since I started spotting and I thought it would just go away. I decided to tell Daddy, because it seemed time to fill him in on what was going on. He got a little concerned, but I told him that I had read that spotting is normal during the first trimester and I wasn't cramping. So, we both went out to different events for the night. After I got your big brothers into bed, I started getting nervous about the increase. In my gut, I felt like something was wrong. I called the midwife on call, and she said if I wanted reassurance that everything was ok, I could go into the ER that night and they would do an u/s to check on you or just wait until Friday and come into the office. I called your daddy and told him I felt we needed to go to the ER.
The whole way to the hospital, I kept telling myself, "This is normal. I'm not even cramping." I was not expecting to hear the words the ER doc told us several hours later.
We had an u/s to check on you, but the policy at the ER was that me and Daddy couldn't watch. They only want the Dr to inform us of the results. I can't tell you how bad it killed me that I couldn't see you. The u/s tech said nothing...I kept watching her face for a smile, a pleasant reaction, but there was none...just a stonecold face that looked grim. We went back to our ER bed area and waited, and waited and waited for the Dr to give us the results. The waiting was the worse part of the whole experience. Your daddy looked at me with such love on his face and said, "Whatever the outcome, we will praise God." I agreed, but still secretly expected to hear good news.
After what seemed like 2 hours, the Dr finally approached us and said these words, "I'm so sorry, but we couldn't find a heartbeat." I was in denial. I didn't want to believe him...I wanted to see for myself...I wanted to see if that tiny heart that I saw beating just 1 week earlier wasn't beating anymore. As your daddy and I left the hospital, we were devastated. We had to go back to my OB dr on Friday to confirm the results of the ER u/s. And inside, until I saw for myself, I kept holding on to the fact that they were wrong...you were ok. We cried and prayed all the way home that you would be ok.
On Friday, we had an appointment at 12:45 to have an u/s. Up until I laid down on that table for the u/s, a part of me still believed you would be ok. But when the tech started the u/s, I looked over and I saw you. You were bigger than you were a week ago, but you were not moving. Your little heart was still. She had me hold my breath to make sure it wasn't your heart that she heard, but I knew as soon as I saw you...you were gone.....
Oh, little one...I so wanted to bring you into this world. Even as small as you were, as unexpected as you were...you were SO loved by your mommy and daddy. Your big brother Timmy prayed for you every night that God would grow you big and strong. But God had other plans for you angel baby. We don't understand why God chose to take you from this world...and baby, the emptiness I feel for you is still so real and it hurts so much. But as you already know...our God is our Strength. He is carrying us through this heartache. I love the footprints poem because that is what God is doing for us. There aren't 2 sets of footprints in the sand, there is only one now because God is carrying us.
I love you angel baby. You will never be forgotten! I long for the day when I get to see your sweet face in Heaven.
Your Mommy
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
God is Good!
I just had to come back and report today about the "Goodness of God"! Ed and I have been visiting different churches every week to find the church where we feel God wants us to be. After several weeks of searching, we have finally found a church we are going to visit for the 2nd time. We had already decided this when we left on last Sunday morning because we just "felt" the presence of the Holy Spirit in the midst and the preaching reminded us of our pastor "back home" - Pastor Mark. This pastor really preached/taught us from the word. At the end of the service, he came back and gave us some extremely profound words concerning the inauguration on Tuesday. This sealed the deal so to speak. Anyway, I say all of this to give you background on what happened yesterday. When Ed checked the mail, inside was a small thank you card from this church, Cedarcrest, and inside was a gas card for $5.00. The note said something like this, "Thank you for attending Cedarcrest. We hope that this $5.00 gas card will help you in returning to visit with us again." Not word for word, but something to that affect. Anyway...yesterday, we were on 1/4 of a tank of gas with $0 dollars to our name. When Ed showed me that card and the gas card, I started praising the Lord! I know it was only $5.00, but HALLELUJAH - GOD IS GOOD! Then, Ed told me that Cheryl (ISF Pres.) had given him a bag of change that was donated to ISF by some sweet ladies. She didn't know how much was in there, but it looked like quite a bit of change, and there were a couple of dollar bills in there also. Well, when Ed opened up the bag to take it into Kroger to get it "changed" there were larger bills underneath the 1s that equaled about $20...THEN, the actual change was about $30!!!!!!!!!! We went from having $0 to $5.00 gas card to $50 dollars total!!!!
Isn't God so GOOD! Just wanted to share how God is providing for our family!
HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!
Isn't God so GOOD! Just wanted to share how God is providing for our family!
HE IS FAITHFUL!!!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
4 months? Feels like it's been a YEAR!
My life has been a whirlwind since we moved to Georgia in September. There have been MAJOR highs and EXTREME lows...but through it all GOD has been in control. My most recent HIGH has been at an EXTREME low in our life. The HIGH news hasn't really HIT me yet if you know what I mean.
THE HIGH:
On January 9th, Ed and I found out that we are expecting Baby #3! We were definitely shocked, suprised, scared...all the things that come with finding out this news. We actually discovered on New Years that I was late, but didn't take a test until the 9th....we kept walking around like...if we don't SEE the positive test, then maybe it isn't so. Finally...I couldn't handle the not knowing...I was tired of having discussions about "if Im pregnant" then we will have to do this or that. So, I broke down and took a test. I was a little apprehensive to call family and friends because I knew that my family knew about our EXTREME low...I was afraid they wouldn't understand. I will say this however, Ed and I were not "planning" on this baby...meaning...I wasn't sitting at home each month counting down the days to ovulation. In September of 2007, Ed and I felt the Lord asking us to trust HIM fully and completely with our lives and this specifically included Birth Control. We felt the Lord was saying, "Trust me...I won't give you anything you can't handle. If you let me be in control, I will take care of you". So, I haven't been on any form of Birth Control since 09/07...so needless to say, it could have happenend at any time in these past months. But having it happen now, when we are experiencing an EXTREME low in our life is ONLY GOD!
LOW:
Let me give you a little background before I get into the "LOW". In Summer of 2007, Ed started feeling that God may be leading him to work for a non-profit organization called ISF (International Sports Federation). He had already spent 2 weeks in China with them in 2005, so he knew what they were about. ISF was based in the Atlanta area, and being that we lived in Texas, we didn't see how this could happen without a move. So, we started covering this in prayer. Time goes by...we give our lives to the complete trust of God in September, Ed goes to Kenya over Christmas with ISF to give Christmas to an orphanage, gets attacked in the political unrest after the elections, escapes Kenya with the rest of ISF team, comes back a different man (in an amazingly awesome way), while he was in Kenya, I felt the Lord calling us BOTH to ISF, in March of 08 we came to Atlanta to visit my BFF from college and met with executives of ISF and told them about the passion we felt in our hearts for this organization. They told us, we have a HUGE need for helpers, but unfortunately we can't offer you a salary at this time. We go back to Texas after spring break and really start covering this in prayer like never before. In May of 2008, we are both sitting on 2 separate couches praying during our "wall" time and we both have such a strong peace about God saying, "Go...Now" It was a scary decision from a "human" standpoint because we both had NO jobs and NO idea where we were going to live..just had to trust. Fast foward to September 1st...we head out to GA with our van and PENSKE truck packed full of our possessions (what was left that didn't sell) and start on this adventure of trusting God with our life.
So...now to the LOW...as you can read from my past posts...we have had many trials since we have arrived in GA as well as many amazing GOD moments. In December, after Timmy finished his 1st semester of Kindergarten, we moved to Acworth (we were living with my BFF in Newnan which is about 1hr from ISF) so Ed could be closer to the office. After living with my BFF for 4 months, it was SOOO nice to have a place to call our own. It was like Christmas unpacking those boxes! :) I have a job as an Admin Assistant at a local university in Marietta (about 15 miles from my house), but with my income...it isn't enough for us to live on. We barely make ends meet after rent, bills, car payment, car insurance, food and gas since we moved to Acworth. Ed really needs a paying job so that we can make it through the weeks where my paycheck goes to rent and there is no money for food/gas. He has applied at so many places...just like everyone else...and has found nothing. His HEART wants to be able to give the time to ISF and not another company because GOD moved us here for ISF...not so Ed could work for Quick Trip gas station.
So, now here we sit...Ed not having a paying job, my income barely covers expenses, and we have a 3rd baby on the way! Some people may throw up their hands and say, "I QUIT"...but not us...you know why.... way back in September of 2007 we GAVE OUR LIFE COMPLETELY TO GOD. We are trusting HIM with our life. We don't know how we are going to buy food and gas for the next 2 weeks, but we have the most indescribable PEACE that everything is going to be ok. We have exhausted all of our resources in family for financial help...we sent out support letters...got no response from anyone...which lead us to believe...we are just supposed to sit here and TRUST and WAIT ON THE LORD. Ed is putting time in at ISF while we "wait" on the Lord. I can NOT begin to tell you how much JOY is in Ed's life right now. He has his very own office space and he has his very own email address, he has "assignments" he has to work on, he is DOING what God CALLED him to do. I LOVE that!!!!
So, if you feel inclined to send a few prayers up for our family. We would be eternally grateful! I can't wait to report back on what God has done in our life!
May God bless all of my faithful followers!
THE HIGH:
On January 9th, Ed and I found out that we are expecting Baby #3! We were definitely shocked, suprised, scared...all the things that come with finding out this news. We actually discovered on New Years that I was late, but didn't take a test until the 9th....we kept walking around like...if we don't SEE the positive test, then maybe it isn't so. Finally...I couldn't handle the not knowing...I was tired of having discussions about "if Im pregnant" then we will have to do this or that. So, I broke down and took a test. I was a little apprehensive to call family and friends because I knew that my family knew about our EXTREME low...I was afraid they wouldn't understand. I will say this however, Ed and I were not "planning" on this baby...meaning...I wasn't sitting at home each month counting down the days to ovulation. In September of 2007, Ed and I felt the Lord asking us to trust HIM fully and completely with our lives and this specifically included Birth Control. We felt the Lord was saying, "Trust me...I won't give you anything you can't handle. If you let me be in control, I will take care of you". So, I haven't been on any form of Birth Control since 09/07...so needless to say, it could have happenend at any time in these past months. But having it happen now, when we are experiencing an EXTREME low in our life is ONLY GOD!
LOW:
Let me give you a little background before I get into the "LOW". In Summer of 2007, Ed started feeling that God may be leading him to work for a non-profit organization called ISF (International Sports Federation). He had already spent 2 weeks in China with them in 2005, so he knew what they were about. ISF was based in the Atlanta area, and being that we lived in Texas, we didn't see how this could happen without a move. So, we started covering this in prayer. Time goes by...we give our lives to the complete trust of God in September, Ed goes to Kenya over Christmas with ISF to give Christmas to an orphanage, gets attacked in the political unrest after the elections, escapes Kenya with the rest of ISF team, comes back a different man (in an amazingly awesome way), while he was in Kenya, I felt the Lord calling us BOTH to ISF, in March of 08 we came to Atlanta to visit my BFF from college and met with executives of ISF and told them about the passion we felt in our hearts for this organization. They told us, we have a HUGE need for helpers, but unfortunately we can't offer you a salary at this time. We go back to Texas after spring break and really start covering this in prayer like never before. In May of 2008, we are both sitting on 2 separate couches praying during our "wall" time and we both have such a strong peace about God saying, "Go...Now" It was a scary decision from a "human" standpoint because we both had NO jobs and NO idea where we were going to live..just had to trust. Fast foward to September 1st...we head out to GA with our van and PENSKE truck packed full of our possessions (what was left that didn't sell) and start on this adventure of trusting God with our life.
So...now to the LOW...as you can read from my past posts...we have had many trials since we have arrived in GA as well as many amazing GOD moments. In December, after Timmy finished his 1st semester of Kindergarten, we moved to Acworth (we were living with my BFF in Newnan which is about 1hr from ISF) so Ed could be closer to the office. After living with my BFF for 4 months, it was SOOO nice to have a place to call our own. It was like Christmas unpacking those boxes! :) I have a job as an Admin Assistant at a local university in Marietta (about 15 miles from my house), but with my income...it isn't enough for us to live on. We barely make ends meet after rent, bills, car payment, car insurance, food and gas since we moved to Acworth. Ed really needs a paying job so that we can make it through the weeks where my paycheck goes to rent and there is no money for food/gas. He has applied at so many places...just like everyone else...and has found nothing. His HEART wants to be able to give the time to ISF and not another company because GOD moved us here for ISF...not so Ed could work for Quick Trip gas station.
So, now here we sit...Ed not having a paying job, my income barely covers expenses, and we have a 3rd baby on the way! Some people may throw up their hands and say, "I QUIT"...but not us...you know why.... way back in September of 2007 we GAVE OUR LIFE COMPLETELY TO GOD. We are trusting HIM with our life. We don't know how we are going to buy food and gas for the next 2 weeks, but we have the most indescribable PEACE that everything is going to be ok. We have exhausted all of our resources in family for financial help...we sent out support letters...got no response from anyone...which lead us to believe...we are just supposed to sit here and TRUST and WAIT ON THE LORD. Ed is putting time in at ISF while we "wait" on the Lord. I can NOT begin to tell you how much JOY is in Ed's life right now. He has his very own office space and he has his very own email address, he has "assignments" he has to work on, he is DOING what God CALLED him to do. I LOVE that!!!!
So, if you feel inclined to send a few prayers up for our family. We would be eternally grateful! I can't wait to report back on what God has done in our life!
May God bless all of my faithful followers!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Twas The Night Before Christmas
WOW...2 posts in 1 week, I am getting better. I just finished filling out one of those "Get to Know you Better - Christmas Version" (Thanks Bethany) thingys and it made me think of something that happened the other night.
We usually read out of a Bible storybook that Nana got him before he goes to bed, and pray together and off to sleep he goes. Well, after we moved into our new apartment before Thanksgiving, we had to move back in with my BFF until Timmy finished his semester of school, so the book got left up in Acworth. Well, Timmy still wanted a story, so the first night Daddy told him the Christmas story about Baby Jesus born in a manger, and the shepherds, etc.
The next couple of nights, we just read regular books, but one night last weekend, I put him in the bed without reading him a book, and he quickly reminded me. "I need a story" So, I decided to tell him "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I had quoted this story in High School for a Christmas play, so I thought, Sure, I remember it and off I started. This is how it went...
Twas the Night Before Christmas, and ALL through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (I emphasized these lines so Timmy's eyes got big as bugs and he is hanging on EVERY word - it was so cute)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there
And Mom in her kerchief and I in my hat
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap
And then...I started drawing a blank...oops...Timmy is STILL looking at me with those precious BUG eyes...and I am struggling here...so I continue with what I think is correct and then add some...here goes.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter
I threw open the shutters and flew up the sash (as I said that line I was like...that ain't right - but Timmy had no clue...so I kept going)
And what do my wondering eyes should appear but
Santa's sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer.
NOTE: I could NOT remember what was next...I paused...I paused...Timmy said, what happened next. So, I ad libbed the rest of the story...here is how Timmy thinks this story ends.
Santa grabbed his bag full of toys, and flew down the chimney
He had a truck for Tommy and a doll for Suzie
And after eating the cookies and drinking the milk,
He went back up the chimney to his sleigh and reindeers.
And as he flew off the roof you could hear him say,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a Goodnight"
So, that was the end, and when I said that last line. Timmy reached up and hugged me and said, "Mommy, that was a great Christmas story." His precious little self didn't even know that it was not the complete story. I hope that one day when I read the "REAL" Twas the Night Before Christmas story to him, that he doesn't realize I told him the wrong one before.
The next night he wanted "Frosty the Snowman" - I won't EVEN tell you how that one went. Kids...they believe anything!
We usually read out of a Bible storybook that Nana got him before he goes to bed, and pray together and off to sleep he goes. Well, after we moved into our new apartment before Thanksgiving, we had to move back in with my BFF until Timmy finished his semester of school, so the book got left up in Acworth. Well, Timmy still wanted a story, so the first night Daddy told him the Christmas story about Baby Jesus born in a manger, and the shepherds, etc.
The next couple of nights, we just read regular books, but one night last weekend, I put him in the bed without reading him a book, and he quickly reminded me. "I need a story" So, I decided to tell him "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I had quoted this story in High School for a Christmas play, so I thought, Sure, I remember it and off I started. This is how it went...
Twas the Night Before Christmas, and ALL through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse (I emphasized these lines so Timmy's eyes got big as bugs and he is hanging on EVERY word - it was so cute)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there
And Mom in her kerchief and I in my hat
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap
And then...I started drawing a blank...oops...Timmy is STILL looking at me with those precious BUG eyes...and I am struggling here...so I continue with what I think is correct and then add some...here goes.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter
I threw open the shutters and flew up the sash (as I said that line I was like...that ain't right - but Timmy had no clue...so I kept going)
And what do my wondering eyes should appear but
Santa's sleigh and 8 tiny reindeer.
NOTE: I could NOT remember what was next...I paused...I paused...Timmy said, what happened next. So, I ad libbed the rest of the story...here is how Timmy thinks this story ends.
Santa grabbed his bag full of toys, and flew down the chimney
He had a truck for Tommy and a doll for Suzie
And after eating the cookies and drinking the milk,
He went back up the chimney to his sleigh and reindeers.
And as he flew off the roof you could hear him say,
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a Goodnight"
So, that was the end, and when I said that last line. Timmy reached up and hugged me and said, "Mommy, that was a great Christmas story." His precious little self didn't even know that it was not the complete story. I hope that one day when I read the "REAL" Twas the Night Before Christmas story to him, that he doesn't realize I told him the wrong one before.
The next night he wanted "Frosty the Snowman" - I won't EVEN tell you how that one went. Kids...they believe anything!
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